How To Spell Dany Heatley In Hawaiian

Douche Bag. Wow is this guy ever happy right now, he goes to the team that he wants to, they don't give up anywhere near what should be commanded for a player of his caliber, and he gets to play with one of the elite playmakers over the last decade of NHL hockey.

Amazing how great things happen to such spoiled human beings. This guy deserves to have his career go into the toilet and his team tank, however we all know what happened the last time that an elite player got his panties in a bunch and demanded a trade from a Canadian team to sunny California.

Yep, we may as well book it, Dany "Douche Bag" Heatley will be skating the cup in SJ this season. What a shame that a player with such incredible talent has to be such a world class premadonna.

And so it goes good old Canadian boys would rather live down south than bring the cup back to Canada. Oh Canada, where's the national pride in these rich Canadian athletes that I saw in the everyday Joe's in Alberta?

The lines between spoiled American athletes and spoiled Canadian athletes are now non existent. We may as well stock up on European players and give the middle finger to all of these spoiled North American punks just like they have to Canada.

You Know That It's Bad When A Guy Might Tuck Tail And Return To A Hostile Environment

Instead of coming to Edmonton. If the Oilers have indeed placed a deadline on this "deal" and Heatley isn't ready to make a decision, one has to wonder just how dumb Dany Heatley might be. His owner can't stand him, his GM can't stand him, his coach can't stand him, and he's sure to have lost respect in the dressing room, and oh yeah the fans are probably torturing their Dany Heatley voodoo dolls as we speak.

So he could either return to all of that (who wouldn't want to?) or he could come to Edmonton, be relatively close to his childhood home and most Oilers fans would forgive his perceived snubs of the city and the team once they realize that they got Dany Freaking Heatley to play with Ales Freaking Hemsky. That would be the most talented top line duo that we will have had in my time as an Oilers fan and many of the younger generation of Oilers fans as well.

If Heatley does anything less than return to 45+ goal form in Ottawa I don't think that the Ottawa faithful will be as forgiving. If he snubs the Oilers for one final time, I hope that his remaining stay in Ottawa is anything but cozy. This is like someone asking you if you'd rather go to jail for a month or do 20 hours of community service. This should be a no brainer, and because it should be I guess maybe that says everything that we need to know about Dany Heatley if he picks Ottawa or hopes that one of his top teams sweep him off of his feet this offseason.

Heatley Should Come Over To The Dysfunctional Family Of The NHL Already!

We've got crazy uncle Lowe, loaded uncle Katz that has every cool toy imaginable to man, quiet uncle Steve that is either a genius or the guy from Office Space rambling on and on about his stapler before he blows it all up. Then we've got the older brother, the city of Edmonton, dependable, full of character, has a good paying gig, but gets slept around on more often than a porn sets furniture.

The Oilers and the city of Edmonton have one hell of a self worth and self confidence issue, often criticized, rarely complimented, even spurned for Calgary for crying out loud! You know what, the City of Champions may have its warts, but it's not our fault the same ones that "slept around" on the city gave him those warts. Edmonton is not LA, nor is it New York, we get it, the world knows it, but you know what? I could care less. There has got to be some good old farm boys out there that thinks that this here is the big city (Lord knows that I'm no city boy myself)!

There has got to be people that can appreciate and love the city's "feel", it's a city but it also has the camaraderie of smaller communities. As for the cold, yes it's bloody cold in the winter, but you know what? These clowns are supposed to be hockey players, many of them grew up playing on backyard rinks. They likely would've never gotten to where they are today if they grew up in LA or some of these other areas that they now covet to play in over Edmonton's hockey weather.

Lastly we have Dany Heatley, a super hot chick that likes you for your money, but can't stand anything else about you and is looking to jump at the next possible meal ticket. The problem for Dany is that she's getting wrinkles, everyone knows that she's carrying warts, and we're the only ones that will take her warts and all because that's what the city of Edmonton does, they rally around people that don't openly trash them and can respect the city and of course and most importantly provide excitement on the ice.

It maybe a match made on an episode of "Lowered Expectations" from MadTV, but right now it feels so right and it would make perfect sense, a player that no one wants coming to a team that is perceived as a place that no one wants to play in. It's like an episode of My Big Red Neck Wedding gone awry.

Heatley, Tavares, and Bouwmeester, Oh My!

The Oilers are in a position to put together some balanced trade packages to land some elite talent, no doubt about it. BUT, will we be willing to throw out the BEST packages to land a guy like Heatley, and even if so, if the stigma of the NHL's northernmost team one that can be put to bed once and for all?

It is my personal opinion that MacT was not a coach that people were willing to come to Edmonton to play under, however Pat Quinn could be that kind of a coach. New Owner that wants to win and has the means necessary to do just that, franchise and location stability (can that be said about a number of teams in the south?). New GM, a tandem of veteran coaches, and a city that is dying for new heroes to bring respectability back to a once proud organization.

The Oilers are poised to make at least 1 big splash, and with many teams in financial trouble, the Oilers chances of doing just that seems to be better than it was only a season or 2 ago. In a perfect world we acquire Heatley, trade for Tavares, and sign Bouwmeester. This team would be poised to make a big splash in the western conference. Just imagine a lineup sporting these 3 players alongside some of our current young guns.

Hypothetically let's see what the lineup would look like with these trades to acquire Heater and Tavares.....

Heatley for Gilbert and O'Sullivan
Tavares for Visnovsky/Grebeshkov/Souray and Cogliano
Sign Bouwmeester

Heatley-Horcoff-Hemsky
Kotalik-Gagner-Tavares
Schremp-Pouliot-Penner
Jacques-Brodziak-Stortini
Brule, MacIntyre

Bouwmeester-Visnovsky/Grebeshkov
Souray/Smid/Grebeshkov-Staios/UFA
Peckham-Smid/UFA

UFA/Trade
JDD

Gone are Moreau, Pisani, Nilsson, and possibly Staios

Suddenly goalscoring is not an issue, and we'd have the potential to be a top 5-10 offensive team. Oilers hockey would be back in a big way. Of course we'd probably be lucky to have 1 of these deals happen, however I actually think that there's a shot at 2 of these types of acquisitions, Bouwmeester and 1 of Heatley or Tavares. Things are definitely looking up for the Oilers if they can be in the right place at the right time and aren't hesitant to pull the trigger if the deal is even close to being right.